


Lost without you

by Ilyasviel



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 22:46:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12220500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilyasviel/pseuds/Ilyasviel
Summary: Alchera has been the moment when the Universe has pushed Joker over the cliff of despair. He has seen the love of his life die, furthermore, die protecting his sorry ass.Join me on this journey to heal his heart and give him another reason to fight.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My own version of the feelings my poor pilot after the events of Alchera and the losing of the Normandy and Shepard.
> 
> Huge thanks to [ScientistSalarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScientistSalarian) for beta reading my work!! Take a look at her works, she is an amazing writer <3

Dark clouds fill the sky over his head, but Joker can feel them inside his chest. A large number of people surround the original crew of the Normandy; everyone but him. He can’t be there sitting in front of an empty coffin, listening to how a group of strangers talks about his Dana. He remains outside the crowd, sitting on a bench near a garden. He has a tea rose in his hands, the thorns on it piercing his trembling fingers, but he didn’t care. She is gone, and it was his fault. He had lost the love of his life, and the galaxy, its saviour. 

 

Raising his head, he can see Kaidan talking beside the coffin, and Garrus hugging Liara and Tali. Anderson looked defeated, eyes fixed on the empty black box. Joker feels a tear rolling down his cheek, and he tightens the grip on the rose, the thorns sinking into his hands. A tiny drop of blood falls to the ground, but he ignores it, focusing his attention on the stinging pain, trying to stop the dreaded feelings. Sadly, it didn’t work, as it hasn’t the last few weeks. Not even the high quantity of alcohol he used every night to fall asleep, helped either. Pain runs through his veins like a poison, killing any other feelings in his life. At night, when he was alone at home, looking at her pictures, regret clings to him too, making him fall even more into the dark well of despair. Closing his eyes, he rests his forehead on his raised hands, hiding his face behind the peak of his hat. 

 

Times passes while he keeps the same position, with images of Dana in his mind. Her big smile on the day they made her Spectre, the nights spent looking at the stars sitting in the cockpit, her bright smile when she brought him coffee in the mornings when he had the night shift… These are pieces of his life he has lost, forever, over the frozen lands of Alchera. A cruel intruder appeared between the sweet memories. The image of her being spaced, her body floating in the blackness, framed by the exploding pieces of their Normandy. A sob leaves him before he can catch it; tears rolling free while he remembers the day he has lost a part of his soul. A hand on his shoulder startled him, and when he looks up, he finds Liara. Her blue eyes are red from crying, but she wears a tiny smile, just for him. Sitting beside him, she puts an arm around his shoulders and leans her head against his shoulder. Looking around, Joker sees the crowd moving away, leaving just the Normandy crew and some Alliance officers around the coffin. Liara’s voice touches his mind like a caress, “Is time, Jeff.”

 

The rose is still piercing his numb fingers, dried blood painting his skin. “I can’t say goodbye, Liara. I just-- I can’t.”

 

“Is ok, Jeff. You don’t have to do it today, or tomorrow, or the next week, But you will have to let her go before she drags you with her.”

 

A sardonic laugh leaves him, “You can’t imagine how much I wish that to happen, Doc.” The team is beginning to move away from the coffin, and he, at least wants to show his respects. Standing up from the bench, Liara’s arm falls from his shoulders, and she sighs. Turning to look at her, he uses the back of his hand to rub his eyes before readjusting the hat on his head. “Thank you, Liara.” He walks to the stage, the pain in his muscles giving him the edge he needs to keep himself upright and whole. Anderson is still there when he reaches the coffin, his gaze is lost into the sky. Closing the distance to the dark box that they will bury in the garden, he leans a hand on it. He knows she isn’t there, but the symbol of it is so strong that he loses the ability to breathe for almost a minute. The pain hits him, just like Kaidan has done while he left the save pod without her on Alchera. A strangled, soft sound escapes his control, making Anderson look at him, his frown changing almost instantly when he sees him. But is not a look of hate or regret or even an accusatory one. Is one of concern and understanding, and Joker can’t deal with that right now. Shaking his head, he puts the rose in the coffin, voice barely a whisper. “See you soon, Dana. I will never forget you.”

 

Running away from the human councillor, he walks as swiftly as possible with his fragile legs. Kaidan stops him before he reaches the exit of the garden. When the biotic didn’t say a word, Joker just sighs. “You can hit me again, if it’s what you want, Alenko. I can’t and don’t plan to stop you. If not, leave me be.”

 

He can see the other man passing a hand over his reddened eyes. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, Joker. It stills pains me, but I didn't have the right to put a hand on you. You did the right thing keeping the ship on course while we evacuated.” 

 

“Tell that to her.”

 

“Joker--” When the man just shakes his head, Kaidan just sighs. “Don’t be a stranger. You know where to find me.”

 

The pilot retakes his path, looking at him over his shoulder, “Same. And it will be easier for me. I will never fly again, no need to look for me among the stars.”

 

Kaidan didn't know about him being ground and knowing how much flying means to Joker, it feels like a punch in the stomach.. Looking at his back while he walks away, Kaidan can only sigh sadly. He has lost his Commander, a good friend, the oldest one he has kept since he joined the Alliance. He holds his gaze on Joker’s back until he disappears behind a building. Turning back into the garden, he decides to talk with Anderson about it.

 

Half an hour later, Joker reaches his little apartment on the HQ complex. Is not a fancy place, but as soon as they grounded him, they offered him this place to stay until he decides if he wants to stay on Earth or return home. For now, he just wants to forget for a few hours, to dream that he has fallen asleep on his chair of the Normandy, and Dana smacking him to wake up. Once inside the house, he moves directly to the kitchen, recovering the three bottles of whisky that he still has. Checking that the door is locked, he steps inside his tiny dorm, putting the bottles on the nightstand before beginning to strip. Once his clothes are in a pile on the ground, he falls, face first, into the mattress. His nightly ritual begins then, turning over his back, grunting with the pain of his abused muscles and bones. He left his medications the same day she has died. And when they began sending him to a psychologist, he retook them under her orders, but when they grounded him, he just stopped. What is the point of not being in pain if it's the only thing that keeps you breathing? Facing the ceiling, he pushes himself up, until he is nestled between the pillows and leaning against the headboard. Grabbing a bottle, he opens it and takes a long gulp, feeling the burning liquid heat his throat on its way down. 

 

A half bottle later, he opens his omnitool, searching for the pics they had taken during missions and shore leave. He didn’t know why he kept doing this to himself, but his heart screamed for her every single night. Scrolling through the pics, he finds one of them in the cockpit of the Normandy. She is sitting on the armrest with his cap, big smile and happy gaze. He smiles too, elbow leaning on her legs while she had an arm wrapped around his shoulders. His heart stops beating for a second. Looking at the picture, he saw what he had, what was never truly his to begin with, and everything he has lost. Taking a long gulp from the bottle, he let the warm feeling of dizziness ease his mind. He knows he can’t forget or forgive himself for what happened, but the venom that is slowly killing him makes his mind stop dwelling on it for a while. He can get some sleep, even if his dreams are filled with images of her, and he awakes every morning seeing her body floating into the darkness. 

 

He lets the bottle fall to the ground after finishing it, and it rolls under the bed, clinking with the rest that had accumulated there. Taking a look at the pic again, he sighs, sliding down into the bed and laying his head on a pillow, arms extended in front of him. Scrolling through the pics again, he stops at one that shows Shepard sleeping in the co-pilot seat, one night she couldn’t sleep and had come to keep him company. She looked younger, the worry lines on her face disappearing in her sleep. Raising a hand, he reaches for the picture, a dejected frown on his face. When his fingers can’t touch her, he sighs. “Just like always. So close and so far at the same time.” Closing his eyes, he let his hand fall. “Good night. With any luck, I’ll see you soon.” The gods out there must have felt pity for him, because he falls asleep in mere minutes, the face of Shepard going with him to dreamland.

 

Days go by turning into weeks, without him even noticing. The only telltale passage of time is the lack of booze in his home and the haunted frown on his face. He has been ignoring the calls for days, his sister sending him dozens of messages, wanting to know if he was, at least, alive. When a knock on his door startles him three weeks after the burial, he truly believes that he will find his sister waiting behind the door. After around five minutes of insistence, he can’t ignore it anymore. Walking from the bed and limping to the entrance of his little apartment he opens  the door, finding a beautiful brunette. She’s dressed in a suit, and he swears mentally, thinking that she is a psychologist from HQ. 

 

The woman takes a look at him, from head to toe, the snarl on her face growing. “I don’t know if I got the wrong directions. Are you Jeff Moreau?”

 

Joker is leaning against the doorframe, taking away some of his weight from his legs. “That will depend. Who wants to know?”

 

The disdain on her face has just grown, “Miranda Lawson. Someone suggested that I come and have a chat with you. Do you mind?” Her hand signals the interior of his apartment, asking for entrance.

 

Crossing his arms, he looks at her with a questioningly. “I don’t have many friends, Miss Lawson.”

 

The woman snarls at him but keeps her stance. “I would prefer not to have this conversation in the hallway, Mister Moreau.” Lowering her voice, she takes a look around to check that they are alone. “I’m sure what I have to tell you will be of interest.”

 

With a huff, Joker moves to return inside without waiting for her and he falls unceremoniously on the couch. “You got ten minutes, Miss Lawson.”

 

She enters his flat, closing the door behind her and moves near the couch. “I’m working on a project that I’m sure will be of your interest.” When Joker keeps looking at her without saying a word, she puts a hand inside her handbag, recovering something and closes the distance between them. She offers her closed fist to him. 

 

He extends a hand, and something metallic falls into his palm. Taking a look at it, the world stops spinning around him. “What the hell are you doing with this? How did you get it? Who the fuck are you?”

 

Lawson takes a deep breath. This conversation will be more complicated than planned. “We are working to bring her back. Our best scientists are working on her while we talk.”

 

Joker’s gaze is still fixed on the charred bracelet she always wore, even under her armour. It was a present from her mother, a good luck charm. “Working on which body? The Alliance didn’t recover it.”

 

A little grin showed on her face, “Of course not, because we have it. It has cost lots of money and blood, but we have her. She will be back, and I’m sure she will need her pilot.”

 

“I must be more drunk than I thought.”

 

Picking up a datapad from her bag, he put it on the couch. “You are not. I came just to inform you and give you the choice to join us. In this pad, you have an address to a warehouse and the access code. I will leave Earth tomorrow at 10 AM. Think about it, and join me before then if you want to know more. I will bring you to her, to prove my words.” Returning to the door, she faces him, “I’ll let you think about it. Goodnight, Mister Moreau.”

 

Silence followed the closing of the door. Joker is still looking in a trance at the bracelet in his hand. He had seen it on Shepard’s wrist since they meet. The little flowers engraved on the silver pieces are slightly charred and deformed, but he has no doubt it is her bracelet. But how can it be true… he saw her floating and falling to the planet. Is it possible? Can she come back? And how? And more important, why? Too many questions and his mind is still sloppy thanks to the pain and the alcohol. He needs to talk with someone, but who? Opening his omnitool, he sends a message to Liara.

 

Jeff: “Doc, I need to talk with you. Something very strange has happened, and I… don’t know what to do.”

 

Liara: “This is not a secure channel, Joker. Just tell me if someone has come to talk with you about Dana.”

 

Joker grunts, passing a hand over his face. It can be true… Liara? Has she sent them to him? 

 

Jeff: “Damn, Doc. They really can do it?”

 

Liara: “Is my hope, Jeff. Don’t hate me when you learn more. We can talk more if you visit me on Illium.”

 

Standing up from the couch, he needs to think, and for that, he needs to move. Usually, he will grab a shuttle and fly, but now… now he has to walk. Dressing up in his civvies, he puts the bracelet in his pocket and leaves the room, not taking a single look at his reflection in the mirror. He let his feet decide the route, and he ends at the docks, seeing the ships landing and taking off. Leaning on the railway over the water, he let his eyes move between the ocean and the ships painting the sky. Is even possible? Can someone survive be spaced and an atmosphere reentry protected just by armour? Not even she can survive that… but if-- Recovering the bracelet, he plays with it between his fingers, cleaning the silver of grime and something that seems like dried blood. Damn, if they can do what they say, what does he have to lose? He already has lost everything. He has lost Shepard, the Normandy, and his wings. If he can recover a single one piece from his past… With a sigh, he puts the bracelet back in his pocket and makes up his mind. Returning to his flat, he sends a message to his sister, saying that he is alive but will be unavailable for a while. Taking a long shower, he grooms his beard and hair after it. His body aches as if an Elcor has stomped on him. Searching inside the cabinet of the bathroom, he recovers his painkillers, taking a dose together with a sleep concoction the psychologist gave him after the first visits. Morpheus welcomes him into the dreamland almost as soon as his head touches the pillow.

 

The alarm on his omni begins to beep at eight o’clock. He ignores it as much as he can, but after half an hour, the sound is so piercing that he has to wake up. When he sees the time, he hurries to the shower, swearing to himself. Washing with haste, he leaves the shower and gets dressed while his hair is still dripping wet. He packs a bag with clean clothes for a week. He doesn’t know how long he will be on the move, but figures he had better be prepared. Ten minutes past nine, he leaves his flat, the bracelet in his pocket, his old cap on his head and the datapad in his bag. 

 

Knowing that he can’t reach the house in time if he goes walking, he grabs a taxi near the door of the base. He didn’t give the exact address, asking to be left three blocks away and walk the rest. He reaches the warehouse at 9:45, using the code Lawson gave him to open it. Once inside, he finds her talking with a broad man, his posture marking him clearly as Alliance or ex-Alliance. She is the first to see him. “Welcome, Mister Moreau. This is Jacob Taylor. Jacob, Jeff Moreau.”

 

The man closes the distance to him, extending a hand. “Oh, the infamous pilot? Nice to meet you. I heard of you during my days in the Alliance.”

 

Joker shakes hands with him, still eyeing him suspiciously. “Likewise, Taylor. Now, can someone begin to explain me, and do it like I’m just a pilot without a medical degree, what the hell is happening?”

 

Looking at Miranda, Joker can swear that she is keeping a snort at bay. “It will be easier to show you, Mister Moreau. Do you mind travelling in the back today? You can’t see where are we going until you decide to join us officially.”

 

He nods, following them to a side door, “Fine, but I would like to know who exactly I will be join--” The shuttle waiting for them has a familiar logo painted on the side. “Cerberus. Are you fucking kidding me? She destroyed so many of your teams that we stopped counting, and I blew up one of your bases!”

 

Miranda is stepping inside the shuttle, almost ignoring him until she is seated and secured. “Mister Moreau, we are a huge organisation, and sadly for us, we have some crazy people working under the radar, doing things that escape our control. Besides, destroying Harbinger and stopping Saren gives you something like a safe card with our group.”

 

Following her inside, Joker sits in front of her, giving the cockpit his back. It is bad enough flying in the back, he didn’t need to see the pilot's hands moving over the controls too. “Maybe. But what do you gain by bringing her back? She will try to destroy your organisation again anyway.”

 

Jacob enters the shuttle and locks the door, giving the green light to the pilot before sitting. Miranda keeps a serious frown on her face, dismissing his concerns with a move of her hand. “We aren’t bringing her back to make her join our organisation, Mister Moreau. We, unlike the Council, believe in her words and know that something horrible and life-threatening is on its way. We need her. Humanity needs her. The Commander Shepard has to save the day, again. No one will do it if she isn’t here.”

 

Taking off his hat, he passes a hand through his hair, “Of course, we have to bring her back from the dead just to throw her into it again, marvellous.”  Returning the cap to its place, he fixes his gaze on Miranda’s eyes. “And now that I’m here mind explaining to me why you need a crippled pilot like myself to join you?”

 

Jacob is the one who answers instead of her. “Besides you being the best damn helmsman of the Alliance? The Commander will need people she trusts beside her. We know you have been there for her since the beginning with the Normandy. Besides, she will need a friend when she wakes up.”

 

“If she wakes up.” With a sigh, Joker leans back into the seat, closing his eyes. “I’ve been there. I saw her float into the darkness and fall over Alchera. She is tough, but no one can survive a reentry with just armour, and then survive the landing too.”

 

Miranda is looking at a pad on her hands with a serious frown on her face. “I will not lie to you, Mister Moreau. She is in a very delicate state, but her heart is beating, and her brain seems to be in good condition. Time will tell. But you'll see soon.”

 

They keep silent for the rest of the trip. Miranda and Jacob were whispering among themselves from time to time. Around an hour later, and at least one relay later, the shuttle docks somewhere. Miranda stands and opens the door of the shuttle, exiting it with Jacob at her tail. Joker takes a deep breath before standing from the seat and following them. Butterflies are flying free in his stomach, making his head feel dizzy. Will it be true? Will it be her? Just one way to know. Once outside, Miranda beckons to him and walks to a door on the side. They seem to be on a space station, the hum of the gravitation fields very similar to the one in Arcturus. Everything is white and clean, like if the entire place was brand new. He follows her through a series of hallways, all of them empty. They reach a signal of _‘Medical facilities’_ and cross a set of double doors. He feels like if the universe has punched him in the gut. Through a crystal wall, he can see a body over an operating table. The body is not even complete, the empty parts pretty obvious under the blanket that covers it. Thousands of little tubes connected to a myriad of machines around it. But the head is not as destroyed as the rest. Her fiery red hair is the same as always, framing a burned face he will recognise anywhere. In that room, in front of him, the mighty Dana Shepard fights against the odds of survival. His hand moves to the crystal, itching to touch her and reassure himself that she is Dana. “God, you do have her.”

 

Miranda is beside him, looking to Shepard too. “Yes. And I will do everything in my power to bring her back as she was, or even better. But we don’t know how long it will take.”

 

Joker’s eye never leaves Shepard’s form. “You can count on me, I’ll do whatever it takes. I just ask of you to not put me in a situation of having to choose between my beliefs and her. I will not kill in Cerberus name or do things to damage the Alliance or the Council. I will not face her when she wakes up just to receive her hateful gaze for being an asshole while she sleeps.”

 

Miranda makes a sound that may be confused with a chuckle. “Don’t worry. We are not planning on using your skills like that.” Turning to face him, she opens her omnitool and shows him a medical report. “And we have another surprise for you, Mister Moreau.”

 

He takes a look at the report, seeing that the headline is _‘New treatment for Vrolik syndrome’_. “If we are going to work together, you can call me Joker, and I’m not that formal anyway.”

 

Nodding to him, she moves the report to a chart showing an improvement of bone mass. “Fine. Then I will move to my plan directly. She will need time to heal, and you can stay with her. And while you are here, we can try to make something of your legs. We can’t cure you, but this treatment offers a huge improvement in your mobility and reduces your pain levels. This base is focused on medical investigations. Our doctors will be more than happy to help you with that.”

 

Reading the chart, he looks again at her. She is enduring all of this. He can survive a treatment to be less dependent on his medication, right? Damn, maybe he can even dance when she wakes up. “I’m in.”

 

Miranda gives him the first smile he has seen on her face. “Perfect. Then we can begin right now. We have a long road ahead of us, Joker.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to [ScientistSalarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScientistSalarian) for beta reading my work!!

Two years. In fact, more than two years have passed since the Normandy was destroyed. Joker has been a part of Cerberus almost all this time, taking care of the sleeping body of his Commander. Miranda has been true to her word, and Shepard is whole again. Dana has some new angry scars on her face, and you can see the light of the implants under her skin through them. She isn’t even connected to the breathing machine these days though. Almost all the old scars that covered her body had disappeared. In his last visit, he saw that the one she suffered during the Blitz, the one on her upper lip, has vanished too. Oh, Dana will be mad about it, but at least she will be breathing and able to swear about it. Her hair was longer too, almost near her lower back, but he didn’t have the heart to ask the doctors to cut it. 

 

He has suffered some changes too. The treatment the doctors have been doing on him has improved his mobility greatly. He still will break his legs if he runs, but he can walk better than before, and the pain when he stands on his feet has been subdued considerably. 

 

His job with Cerberus consisted primarily of quick trips between stations and ships, and deploying or recovering teams from non-Alliance worlds. Strangely for him, he has been happy. Seeing Dana recovering has been like a balm for his wounds, and flying the perfect medicine for his soul.

 

Miranda has let him stay at the station since day one, and he used every bit of spare time he has to visit Shepard, talk to her as the doctors suggested, or just being there. Some days he explains to her his last missions, or read her a book while he plays with a lock of her hair, or talk about the old days and the adventures they lived through on the Normandy. Those days are always hard because he got flashbacks of everything he has had that now is lost to him. But at least she is with him again. Ships can be replaced, a badass woman such as her is not so common. 

 

This round of free days he’s had to stay with her has passed by in a blink, and soon he has to leave the base. Joker has been called to a bigger one outside the cluster, where it seems they are developing Shepard’s new ride. Having helped the engineers with the driving controls of the M-44 Hammerhead, he didn’t find it strange to be called there to lend a hand. What surprises him is when two days after his arrival, the engineering team organises a surprise for him. They revealed the ship to him, and he didn’t know how to react. They have created a new Normandy. Bigger, faster and with more punch than the original one, and he falls in love with it immediately. They take a little tour inside of the ship, and he almost drools when he sees the new cockpit. A big and comfy chair, comfortable as a couch. There’s a perfect set of screens and a co-pilot spot to his right. They introduced him to the AI that controls the ship’s automated process, and he instantly hates it. But it’s like a wrinkle in a perfect suit, nothing can make the new ship look bad for him, at least not now. 

 

Next morning he wakes up ready to begin his work aboard the new ship when a message on his omnitool destroys his plans. Shepard’s facility was under attack. They lost contact with it an hour ago. Damn, why Universe? What have you got against Dana? He tries to calm his nerves with a shower, knowing that if anyone can survive whatever is happening on that facility, it’s Shepard. Besides, Lawson and Jacob will never let anything happen to her.

 

As he leaves the shower, a new message arrives, one he has been waiting for two years. 

 

“Joker, 

 

We are on our way to the base. Shepard is awake and travelling with us. We need to do a side planet mission, but we will be there as soon as possible.

 

Lawson.”

 

The happy _‘yay’_ that escapes his control didn’t bother him. Shepard is alive, she is awake, and on her way. Joker feels whole again for the first time in more than two years. Sending a message to the engineers informing them that he will be late to see them, he takes his time to groom his beard and cut his hair. It will be better if he looks more like his old self when she arrives. Once dressed, he searches for the bracelet inside his bag, storing it in his pocket before leaving for the docks. He feels like he’s floating. The mere idea of talking with her again is making his heart dance, and he even risks walking more swiftly than usual. Joker is wearing a stupid grin when he reaches the docks, but if any of the engineers notice it, no one says a word, God bless them. He helps the team get the ship ready for the big reveal by getting everything in place and ready to leave. 

 

Some hours later, Jacob sends him a message, informing him that the incoming shuttle is the one with Shepard on it. With a big smile, Joker says his farewells to the engineers and moves to the upper ground. He makes it in time to see her fiery hair disappearing into the comm room downstairs. Seeing Miranda in the waiting room, he waves to her. She returns the gesture but keeps a concentrated frown on her face while she reads a report on the terminal. Joker begins to pace in front of the stairs, hearing the murmur of her voice downstairs. He was waiting for her meeting to end and was surprised when his omnitool beeps. When he looks at it, he saw a message from TIM ordering him to join Shepard downstairs. Obviously, TIM knows that he was waiting upstairs... His heart is beating like crazy when he begins to go down.

 

The Illusive Man voice reaches him. “I’ve found a pilot I think you might like. I hear he’s one of the best. Someone you can trust.”

 

When the light of the comms device turns off, he has a first look at the awake Shepard in front of him. Her hair has been braided and hangs on her back, her armour painted in the N7 colours she always liked. Joker stops once he reaches the lower level. “Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?”

 

Shepard turns over her heels and her face changes immediately when she sees Joker. Instead of talking, she jumps over to him, wrapping him in a bear hug. At first, he didn’t react, but soon he is hugging her back, ignoring the hard ridges of her armour against him. He can feel her trembling under his hands, but her voice sounds steady when she talks. “I’m so glad to have you with me.”

 

One of his hands moves to pull off her braid playfully. “Not as much as I am to see you on your feet, Shepard. It has been a very long couple of years.”

 

She pulls away, but keeps a hand grabbing his, as though it is searching for something to ground her. “I still can’t believe it has been two years. What happened?”

 

Returning the squeeze on her armoured hand, Joker just shrugs. “I will tell you the long version when we have the time to spare, but I’ll give you the shorter one while we move.” He turns to the stairs, pulling her with him and feeling her fingers slip from his hand while they climb them. “It all fell apart without you. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. The team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded.” 

 

Shepard stops walking, moving a hand to stop him. “What? Why the hell did they ground the better pilot they had? Have the blue collars turned idiots while I was away?”

 

Chuckling softly, he smiles at her. “You could say that. But I must admit that I’m partially guilty for it. I didn’t deal with your death too well.” Her surprised face has his hand itching to touch her, but he just turns back and keeps walking. “Well, the Alliance took away the only thing that still mattered to me, and Cerberus just appeared with an offer to keep my wings.” He takes a look over his shoulders with a lopsided grin. “And you. So hell yeah! I joined Cerberus.”

 

“And do you trust them?” 

 

He can see a soft blush showing on her face and he tries to keep the beating of his heart at bay. “I don’t trust anyone who makes more than I do. But they aren’t all bad. Saved your life, healed my legs a bit, let me fly…” Reaching the top of the stairs, he stops in front of a big window that leads to the docks. “And there’s this. They only told me last night.” Lights begin to turn on in the area, shining over a brand new ship, making Shepard gasp, moving a hand to lean on the window. It was a Normandy, a bigger version, but it was her nonetheless. Joker hits her ribs with an elbow. “It’s good to be home, huh?”

 

Leaning a bit against him, she sighs, still looking at the ship. “I guess we’ll have to give her a name, don’t you think?” Feeling happier than he has been in years, Joker wraps an arm around her shoulders, and her head ends up on his shoulder, “Home, sweet home.”

 

They stay just like that, leaning against one another and looking to the new Normandy for the next few minutes, simply enjoying the feeling of the other one breathing beside them. A soft cough behind them breaks the spell, making Shepard move away in a jump and her hand goes for the weapon on her hip. A scared young man stays in the last step of the stairs, hands raised in surrender. “Sorry for disturbing you, Commander, but we are waiting for your orders to get the ship ready for the takeoff.”

 

Joker chuckles and tries to hide it behind a cough, his face shadowed by the peak of his cap. Shepard rolls her eyes at him, but can’t fight the corner of her mouth from raising in a little bemused grin. Regaining his composure, Joker signals to the man at the stairs. “Commander Shepard, let me introduce you, Engineer Winston. He is part of the team who has constructed this beauty.”

 

Relaxing her stance, Shepard waves at him, “Nice to meet you. Sorry about the weapon. I just got attacked by a bunch of mechs so my nerves are on fire.” Signaling to the ship behind her, she gives him a thumbs up. “And you have done an excellent job with her. If she hasn’t been named, can we do it before her launch?” 

 

“She has no name yet, Commander. We have been waiting for you to decide. But Mister Moreau had made a suggestion, and we have everything ready, just in case.”

 

Shepard looks at Joker, and he winks at her, no words needed. “Go ahead, Winston. I need to talk with Operative Lawson, and we will be on the move soon.” When the engineer leaves them alone again, she returns beside him. “I wish I had some time to process all this madness. Instead, they throw me to the pack of dogs to fight for my life, again.” She sighs sadly, looking at him. “I saw Tali on Freedom's Progress. It was hard to hear the doubt in her voice. But I’m glad to have seen her.”

 

With a nod, he begins to move to the stairs, with her beside him. “Yeah, she is doing fine on the Flotilla. Wrex returned to Tuchanka, Liara is on Illium, Kaidan-- well, I don’t know where Kaidan is, some shit about me being compromised, yadda yadda. Adams is serving with the Alliance, under Hackett last time I talked with him. And Garrus has disappeared from my radar, but our turian badass will be alright, I’m sure of it. Anderson is still on the Citadel, giving the Council hell.”

 

“Good. I’ll try to visit him soon.” Taking a deep breath, she stands upright and returns to Commander mode. “Now is the time to see my new ship. Will you join me tonight for a drink? I need to know what happened in those two bloody years I’ve been sleeping.”

 

They reach the lower level, where Miranda and Jacob are waiting for them. Joker nods at her before taking a side door to go to the docks while she talks with Miranda. The engineers are waiting for him. The ship’s name is painted on the sides of it with white letters, and Joker can’t hide the proud grin on his face taking a look at the finished ship. The engineers had done a superb job. Itching to take the controls, he gives his thanks to the team before stepping inside of it. The thrilling feel of being inside a starship, to pilot it through the galaxy again, is almost overwhelming. After two years being allowed just to fly shuttles and cargo ships, his hands can’t wait to control this beauty and see what she can do. Once inside the new Normandy, he walks directly to the cockpit, sitting with a contented sigh in the pilot’s seat. “EDI, are you there?”

 

The blue pawn-shaped figure appears at his left, “I’m always here, Mister Moreau.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Unfortunately for me anyway. Could you close the doors and keep them locked until the Commander comes to the cockpit? I want to make some calibrations of the system before we take off and don’t want to be disturbed.”

 

The AI image blinked before she answers him. “Cockpit locked, Mister Moreau. The Commander has just entered the ship. Logging you out.”

 

Silence fills the cockpit after that, and he opens his omnitool to play some music while he works. It has been years, but his hands haven’t forgotten the movements, and he works with all the systems at once. When he receives the reports from each of them, his quick mind makes the calculations and begins to change the systems that needed it, like propulsion and shields. They have done an outstanding job, but some adjustments will give them the upper hand in a combat situation. He is doing a complete simulation of a battle, when the sound of the door opening surprises him. He didn’t need to turn to know who it is. Not just because the AI has orders to keep the bridge locked except for her, but because of her footsteps. He would recognise them anywhere. “Hey, Joker. Riding in style, huh?”

 

Making the chair spin to face her, he puts on a smug face. “Can you believe this? It’s my baby, better than new! It fits me like a glove! And leather seats! The military may set the hardware standards, but on a first-gen frigate, they could care less if the seats breathe. Civilian sector comfort by design.” She smiles at him, the new civvies she wears only making her more real, giving Joker the chance to see the lost limbs in motion. 

 

EDI interrupts him, appearing at the corner, “The reproduction is not intended to be perfect. Mister Moreau. Seamless improvements were made.”

 

Rolling his eyes, he points to EDI with his hand. “And that’s the downside. I liked the Normandy when she was beautiful and quiet. Now she’s got this thing I don’t want to talk about. It’s like ship cancer.”

 

Shepard takes a look around, and then to her hands. Her skin is smooth and has lost all the little scars that dotted her fingers after years of battles. “It’s not the same, Joker. There’s nothing here that was part of the real Normandy.” The part about _‘the real me’_ didn’t need to be said aloud. He could just feel it from her voice.

 

With a shrug, Joker stands and walks close to her, grabbing the hands she is still looking at between his. “There’s us. I have to take what I can get. The last two years sucked.”

 

Squeezing his fingers, she recovers her hand from his grasp, raising one of them to move down his peak. “Yeah. You still have to tell me everything. Join me in my quarters when we have the course settled?”

 

Adjusting the cap, he winks at her before returning to his seat. “Consider it done, Commander. Now go to the CIC and select the destination, I’m a bit rusty and will need some time to mark the perfect course.”

 

Before Shepard leaves, she looks at him over her shoulder with a lopsided grin. “Make it the long route, Joker. I need some hours of just being Dana and not the resurrected Commander.” She leaves the bridge with an _‘Aye, aye’_ from her pilot.

 

The door closes behind her, and the soft music from Joker’s player fills the silence again. EDI is still summoned on the corner, but he knows that she didn’t need to be visible to be _‘there’_. He finishes the simulation and is satisfied with the result. His first hour aboard and he has improved the drifting on FTL by a 0.05%. He is sporting a cocky grin when the next destination appears on his screen. “Omega? What the heck are we going to do in that shitty place? Damn, they really want to throw her to the wolves.” He can see the blue orb flicking, and he raises a hand. “I’m not expecting an answer, EDI. You need to learn when I’m talking to myself.”

 

“Understood, Mister Moreau.”

 

God, this part of the new ship will be the death of him. With a huff, he returns his attention to the console in front of him, selecting the longest route to the space station, doing more jumps than necessary. They have around ten hours until they reach it. Standing up from his seat, Joker stops before moving away from the chair. “EDI, keep this course. I know it’s not the optimal one, but the Commander needs the time to rest. Contact me there if you need anything or find any problems in the relays.”

 

“Will do, Mister Moreau.”

 

When the blue orb disappears, Joker checks again that the automatic pilot is engaged before leaving the bridge. He walks much better than a year ago, but he still has to walk slowly, to avoid any damage to his bones and muscles. The crew around the CIC nodded or waved to him on his way to the elevator. Once inside, he pushes the upper floor button in the controls. The ride is a smooth one, and he feels the ship jumping to FTL when he leaves the lift. Walking the short distance to the door, he finds it locked and knocks, with butterflies flying in his stomach. Less than a minute later, Shepard appears in front of him when the door opens. She has changed her clothes and is wearing a t-shirt and comfy pants, and her hair is dripping water on her back. “You were quicker than I planned.”

 

With a shrug, and fighting very hard to keep his pace steady, he moves inside the room. “I’m rusty, but not that rusty. I’m a little worried about the AI piloting the ship, but well, at least if we die, we'll die together.”

 

Locking the door again, Shepard passes in front of him, shaking her head. “Oh man, your melodramatic side is talking again.”

 

Following her, they sit on the couch. “Of course, and you know it’s part of my charm.” She sits with her legs bent over the couch, facing him. “Oh, I have something for you. I kept it safe for the last two years.” Searching inside his pocket, he recovers the bracelet, but keeps it hidden in his hand, patting the couch beside him with his free hand. “Come here and close your eyes.” She does as instructed, sitting cross-legged near him. When she has her eyes closed, he takes one of her hands, and put the bracelet on her palm. “Open your eyes.”

 

Shepard gasps when she sees the little bracelet, her free hand moving to cover her mouth. He can see her eyes watering, fingers closing and covering it. Without notice, she throws herself at him, making him fall back on the couch. “Thank you, Jeff. I thought that I had lost it too.”

 

He pets her head, letting her wrap herself around him, secretly enjoying the feeling. “You’re welcome. I didn’t want to be your only memento of the past. I knew you would love to have it back. I remember how much it means to you.”

 

Moving away enough to look into his eyes, she uses the hand with the bracelet to rub her eyes. “I was pissed for having lost all my little pieces. My bracelet, my tags, my scars… but I have you, and I can’t explain how grateful I am for that.”

 

Taking her hand, he opens the fingers, recovering the bracelet and closing it around her wrist. “You can’t be as grateful as I am to have you here alive and kicking again, I can assure you. Just try to stay alive this time. I doubt I can survive a second death.”

 

Sitting back, she raises the arm with the bracelet, staring at it with a grin. “Hey, I wasn’t planning to die the first time, but I can’t let you sink with the ship.”

 

“Let’s hope this ship is better prepared for warfare than the old version. Anyway, next time you can leave the crippled pilot to his luck and save your ass. You are too important to die on my account, again.”

 

Uncrossing her legs, she stretches her back lazily, eyes fixed on the wall. “I can’t promise you that.” Standing up from the couch, she moves to the bed, falling on her back. “Look there.” She points to the roof, and for the first time, he sees a window on it. “They have put a fucking window to space in my quarters, over my bed. Best idea ever for someone who died by being spaced, right? How am I supposed to sleep here?” 

 

He saw her trying to change the topic but decided to ignore it when he sees her trembling hand fall to the bed. He moves closer to her, sitting on the bed beside her legs. “We can move the bed over there or ask EDI if it is possible to cover it.”

 

Shepard’s hand captures Joker’s, interlacing their fingers. “It still scares me. The darkness, the suffocating feeling, the cold.” Closing her eyes, her free hand joins the other when she turns over on her side. Joker can feel the little trembling of her fingers around his hand and turns to lean a leg over the bed, moving her hands to his knee. When she opens her eyes, a soft smile grows on her face. “You know, I drifted over Alchera time enough to think about what few regrets I’ve got in my life. And just one came to my mind at that moment.” Raising her body and leaning on her elbow, she frees one of her hands from his grasp, moving it to cup his face. “You are my only regret, Jeff.” Her words sink into his brain, making him lose the ability to breathe. “I died thinking about all my missed opportunities. But the universe has a dark sense of humour, and here we are.”

 

His heart is beating fast and hard, but he never felt so over the moon. Looking at her, he can see the soft blush on her cheeks, the timid smile on her mouth, the feeling of the contained trembling of her fingers. Raising a hand, he covers hers, keeping it in place while he turns his face to kiss her palm. “Yes. Here we are.” When her cheeks flush even more, he just shrugs, adjusting the cap as he always does when nervous. “Now you can imagine how hard I took your death.”

 

Freeing her hand, she slides back on the bed, putting some distance between them, and making a deep frown appear on his face, thinking that maybe he has talked too much, or the wrong words, or... But then she pats the space in the bed beside her, bending an arm under her head and keeping the free one between them. Relief washes over him, and he takes off his cap, leaving it on her nightstand before lying down beside her. They are facing one another, at arm’s distance, with matching stupid grins on their faces. Her hand moves back to his face, following the lines of the little wrinkles around his eyes before falling into the bed between them. “I still can’t believe I spent two years of my life in bed.”

 

“I can assure you, your body needed that time to heal.” His hand moves to her face, cupping her cheek and letting his thumb follow one of the angry red lines on her skin. “It still needs it.”

 

Closing her eyes, her frown changes. Sadness takes over her features. “I don’t feel human anymore.”

 

In a blink, she is lying on her back, with Joker hovering over her, not touching any part of her body, but caging her between his arms. “Don’t go there. You are Dana Shepard, Mindoir survivor, the hero of the Blitz, first human Spectre and Saviour of the Citadel. You maybe have some new pieces here and there, but you are still you.”

 

Losing herself in his green eyes while letting the words sink slowly into her brain, she lost track of time. Joker remains in the same position, waiting for an answer, and she finally formulates the words she needs to say, and the ones he didn’t expect. "Will you kiss me? I want to feel like I'm alive and not just existing!"

 

Joker’s brain stops working for a few seconds. Did she mean it? Or is her mind just wanting to feel something? He can’t survive a heartbreak, well, a second one. “I will help you to feel alive and whole again, Dana. But I will not kiss you. Not until you are sure that it’s me you want, and not just a reaffirmation of your existence.”

 

Soft hands cup Joker’s face, and when he fixes his gaze on Shepard, she is smiling, a deep blush painting her cheeks. “Jeff, I wanted you since that night on the Citadel after the Spectre ceremony.” 

 

He feels a warm feeling spreading from his chest to the rest of his body. She wants him. The mighty Commander wants the crippled pilot. With the smile growing more and more on his face every second, he lowers his upper body, leaning on his elbows. “Oh yeah. The night you saw my dance skills. The brightest moment of my shore leave’s history.”

 

His smile is as contagious as ever, and she joins him happily, talking while her hands move to his nape and shoulders. “Well, dancing queen here, so consider me impressed. Now kiss me before I wake up from this dream.”

 

Lowering his face, his beard tickles her when he talks over her lips. “Aye aye, Commander.” Then nothing matters anymore. His soft lips are caressing hers, and she feels as if time has stopped around them. The hand on his shoulders move to grasp his shirt, her silent plea to anchor him here, with her. He breaks the kiss, making her whine, and leans his forehead on hers. “Tell me you will not disappear in the morning, like the last thousand of times I dreamed about it.”

 

Using her superior strength, she turns their positions, making him lay on his back with her pinning him against the bed. “I’m not planning to go anywhere anytime soon.”

 

“Good. We have around eight hours until we reach the last relay before Omega.” A lopsided grin appears on his face while he moves a hand to her back. “Now kiss your pilot, Commander.”

 

“Aye aye, Lieutenant.”


End file.
